I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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