just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
