Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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