Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
