Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
