The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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