dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
