I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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