I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
