i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
