Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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