Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
