My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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