if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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