This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
