I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
