how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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