Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
