so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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