Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
