I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
