The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
