Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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