I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
