i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
