Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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