I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
