redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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