I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
