I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
