hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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