I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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