why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize