You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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