Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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