sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
