I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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