I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
