Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize