Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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