i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
