I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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