Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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