Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
