i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
