Cold hands, warm shart.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
