cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
