omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
