did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
