i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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