All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
