we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
