He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
zippers are such a cool invention
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
