All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
someone threw a dead crab at me
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize