i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
not ubering you a puppy
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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