I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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