Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
it's great music for shaving your balls
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
