things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Randomize
